my feet are ready, prepared to fly.
setting off the distance, this is my run.

my own marathon of torment.

yes i'll cry, there'd be pain, but its not physical but emotional drain.

i wish i'd collapse, although i knw i can finish the laps, i want to escape, leave behind the pains.

without a heart, my burden's lightened, throughout the race, my mind is on you, about our love & dreams, praying hard they'd come true.

as i see otheres grimace & fall out defeated, i feel no such emotions, my boy i numbed.

"i can do it" i tell myself but inside of me i want something else.

42.195, thats the magic number for me, so what if i finish now, it doesnt mean a thing to me.

you know why i feel that way, you are the cure. you're the one, of that im sure.

as i approach the distance, completion is near, but what i really want, has never been so far before.

at the finish line, there's elation & joy, yet im still numbed, stuck onto the ground.

i dont feel much a tad of joy, all i want is to know "do i make you proud?"

the shirt & the medal, its all for you, perhaps you may not want it, i'd still give them to you.

through my many runs, all my mind was filled of you, be it happy or sad, smiles or tears, you brought me through miles, the achievement belongs to you.

i never knew i could love like this, i just want us to be together once more.

221107

great, im in such an emo state right now. crap, even the ink must be darker to be emo, tha paper cant be too long else i cant emo that nuch. i know you're having troubles about that incident, yes your time hasnt come & its killing you frm inside. i cant do much. acc i cant do anything at all right? im alw thinking about you, about us, about what may/may not happen. how many times i've prayed for you, for everything to be ok once more, for you just to be fine as you were bef. things really sldnt have turned out this way for us, we dont deserve this, you dont. i guess its most probably my fault. God, i really just want her to overcome this period of difficulty, its been exxtremely painful & tormenting enough, we've laernt our lesson Lord, please just relieve her of these problems, let her time come. Lord ill promise you anything, even till years i wld. please Lord, listen & talk to my heart.

think i sldnt look back at other stuffs, just last night is enough to hurt me once more. why do you doubt that im not here for you, why do you even have doubts. is it just because i cldnt reply you on time, well thats my fault ive got guard duty, parades to go. do you really feel that i dont care. its really strange how things can change so fast within hours, its scary at times, but im telling myself its part & parcel of learning to build up our relationship. ive never blamed you for anything at all, not that i have to. dear i really love you so much. i wna cry now, i cant. i really dont knw why you're ignoring me. i can feel you hurting, i am too. ever since last night, i nv felt happy, yet more bad things have come my way, tho some may just turn good. i dont know, you wna know? firstly, we're booking out today but i might just have to stay in for overnight guard duty, great isnt it. well there's still a chance zirui may take for me but im not sure. next, me having 2 duties this week sld mean i wont burn saturday but guess what, some idioit may just make me do it too. great eh. there's still more, my hopes of becoming an instructor are so uncertain now that nic chiu, gerald & jinfa are in. its ok but now im not even sure i'd be going to airforce even. my future is very uncertain, im really troubled. yet who can i turn to? who'd understand. yes my troubles may seem trivia to you as compared to your exams & that thing, i do share that burden too even if you dont feel it. gosh its been a long long time since ive had to endure such a high-speed emotional rollercoaster ride.

hmm indeed it feels better after letting things out, i have to face so many ppl, so many queries each time, ive to put up an indifferent attitude, force out a smile even when im crying inside. i dont know when ill really break down acc i guess it wont happen, i wont allow it. you know what, afetr writing out so much hurt & pain, all these would disappear once you talk to me agn. girl, thats how much i need you. i wont ever love anyone else i know, yes i may still have happiness in life but its never going to be love anymore. i fer phrases like "better to have loved & lost than never to have loved before", i dont want that. honestly if smthg happens, im qte sure its really time for me to return home, back into God's arms. the heart is gone, but i'd have my body & mind to give back to God.

im so so different frm last time. i myself knw that, but gosh havent i come a long way.

this week has been one of the most FANTASTIC weeks in my life. seriously. ill never forget

LTC 2006: 5th-8th June

really i LOVE LTC.
the wonderful beautiful family i have with me now.

joel
jiam
jean
dan
bry
gen
sam
ian
ken
alfredo
may
yuan

going through those 4 days, pushing through every obstacle, the debriefs, the late late nights, the early mornings, the shoutings, the plannings and everything. its like we're one family now, even more than just one council. feels weird not walking into the SC, taking box files and lanyards rushing ard, doing push-ups, not seeing your familiar faces ard anymore. i wake up wanting my KHONG GUAN & MILO & BREAD(with lots of spreads!). i want the ultra late debriefs, to walk to sentosa once more, to scream and shout, laugh our heads off together.

we've survived a huge rollercoaster together, now that the ride is ended i really want to go through it all again. before the camp i felt very segregated and detached, but now i feel closer to you all more than i could ever. tho its really late now that it was our last event, at least i've finally feel truly as one family with you guys, a feeling that moves me to tears within.

V-Day just passed and it seriously rocks! theres absolutely nothing lost out even if you going solo as long as you have a FANTABULOUS bunch of great buddies. (tse, elson, hong jiun, gordon, nick!) i love you guys more and more each day. well, like all other couples, (tho we're a quintet) went for "The Constant Gardener" in cine! wow, its really a great movie, touched me alot. dint expect it to be so nice. den we went walking ard town! ending up in suntec pizza hut for dinner! woo, we rock. had such a loud blast! aft tht, hong jiun climbed out of his hostel and stayed over with me! woo. tse came over ltr to watch the match tog. oh man, whos valentines day lasted longer than ours? haha. love you guys too much.

Valentines this year has been so fun! esp when you feel the love in the air, not only frm couples but oso from FRIENDS! (ill be there for you.)
i really wna thank all the wonderfully loving ppl ard me for blessing me with all the sweets kisses of chocolates! thank you all so much. really appreciate all of you.

hmm, just read this mail, thought some parts of it were qte sweet. so ill just put it here!

"Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may
escape but what's in your heart will remain forever."

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting
right beside her knowing you can't have her, see her or be with her
ever again."

"Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to
you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you
thought meant nothing to you."

love you all. caritas.
the best form of love comes from GOD himself and fortunately for us, everyday is Valentines day to him, we're being loved every second. God Bless.

OG 12, you guys absolutely rock! i LOVE you all so so much. seriously. thanks for making orientation so much fun for me! you knw smthg, no matter how tired i am or how close i am to giving up, YOU guys make me knw well thts it ALL WORTH IT! the days past so fast, bt im really glad tht we are all so bonded now! todays outing really proved our friendship! cos we were like the only OG in town! woo. haha.

our outing today was supp to be at Marche den we went to Seoul Garden at Taka. no matter, we still had a blast of a time! frm the food rampages and dirty table we( constance, cassan, ian and me) had! our egg omelete was great! haha. den we had our bitching sessions and our game of YUCKY ice-cream eating! really brings me lots of smiles to think of them. really was having lots of fun thts why i was laughing so wildly even tho i lost the game! haha. :D

after tht, we went to pool at cuppage! dint even knw such a place existed lar, haha. THANKS GUYS SO MUCH FOR SIGNING ON THE SHIRT! will ever keep it safe! love you guys so much.

tmrws back to sch agn and i knw its just another day for you all, bt for me really now i find it a chore going. haha. BUT once agn, its YOU all who make me want to go. i wld NEVER pass on a chance to see you all or say a simple "hi" to you guys. sounds alot bt i really mean what i say cos you guys have perhaps brought me more joy than i have brought upon you all.

really hope you guys have fun in SA, REALLY wish you ALL will stay after your O's results ok? (MUST stay! no matter what or ill slap you! :P ) anything ill always be nearby to help! haha. im always here for YOU ALL! stay cool and rock on!

aft tht i cont my journey and eventually found ling!'s hotel! i feel so great! haha. we met up, walked ard and talked on and on! took neos together and took photos! how often do you have a partner outing in Hong Kong! haha. (ling! rem we sld always get tourists to help us take photos!, esp ang mohs! haha) ate at Ajisen den shopped for harmonica! was really fun. den brought partner back to the hotel safe and sound! oh man, really hope we can meet up overseas once more! :D

well, was talking to ling! and we were like saying there were SO many young couples everywhere, den we kept seeing couples going past us. haha. we were like discussing how cute HK guys were and how hot the girls were. really dun mind having a HK girl. always thinking this way when im here. haha.

im now in Hong Kong once more. SO much has changed since i was last here, not just the place but the people and the surroundings. bt no matter, Hong Kong still exudes an undifferentiated feel of embracing Life. indeed, change has been such a constant, even though i was here exactly about one year ago, so much has changed bout me.

well, i arrived last saturday at night, took the plane by myself! feel qte accomplished and its really a whole new experience.

i want to share about my first mass in Hong Kong, which was on sunday, the day aft i landed. the mass was in cantonese, although i was unable to read the words, i could still speak and listen to it. it was such an important day as it was the last sunday of the year in the Good Book, and i was having mass in Hong Kong. i would say that it was God's great work once more as in making the sermon spoken in cantonese, i had to stay attentive to catch the meaning, something which i have been sadly unable to do much of. but this time He made sure that i heard what He wanted to say loud and clear.

the lesson of the day was being Giving and Self-Sacrificial. like Jesus himself who we all know as our Servant King, we too should be able to be giving, showing care for others, helping others when we can. putting ourselves into others' shoes and thinking about them first, doing the right thing gives you an unparralleled feeling of satisfaction. i just want to spread this wonderful message to all out there, why be blinded by selfishness and greed while we can bring joy and colour to others' life? the actual rewards we want eventually is to be happy and that is something we can get only by showing LOVE, giving LOVE to others. For the Lord's kingdom is one of ETERNAL LOVE and GIVINGS, not one of wealth and fame, sounds abstract bt i do hope you all, like me somehow even in the slightest bit, feel the want to go out to spread this wonderful message of LOVE.

guess what. todays not going to be bout my past few days. cos its like past. i really wna say smthg. to you. i read it. im happy tht you believe me. cos rumours will be rumours, let ppl say what they say. i dun care. just cant let it get to me. well, i guess it just hurts you still. it still does for me. im really sorry. i knw tht its not the word tht heals or helps much. i just want you to be strong and move on without me. im not worthy anymore. i want you to knw tht tho its like very awkward and all to talk, but ill be here if you need anything. i do wish we cld still be friends at least.

its been a real stressful and draining week i've had. rehearsals and all, the deadlines tht i have been rushing to made. the work, revision that ill gladly entertain. haha. been juggling with my work load and rest lar. i knw ill pull through. i just wna do well. succeed. yes. thts what i want. i must prove tht i can do it, even tho i may not be as skillful, nor have time on my side, i will put in more effort from now on. really.

hmm. i just wna say this again. thank you my Lord for all the blessings which you have been bestowing upon me, especially my friends, for all who have stood by me and made me feel brand new. i just have to look to you guys, den i knw tht i have to push on. thank you.

i once told someone(not i dun want to name you bt i'm afraid of ppl spreading stuff, i hope and knw you'll understand)
" friends mean the world to me and i'll cherish them"
oh, how precious are you all to me. now that you guys give me so much in my life.

ahh. snap. i do not fathom what lies ahead for me. will i come back to say that i've held true to what i believe. i hope so and i think i will. thoughts fly out from my mind at the speed of light. this can be a neverending entry. why? i feel the tinge of predatorial instincts, to inflict pain. no, maybe its plain confusion of many events. i want to be able to.. that i do not even know. why am i typing all this? sounds weird doesnt it. a pure monologue.

life engulfed in darkness, where is the light.
searching for a lamp that salvages my plight.
what is in stall i do not percieve, yet with wide open arms i shall receive.
i have my strength in Him, the one and only, who have given me friends, running from Mr. Lonely.
thank you my friends for all that you've done. with you all behind me, i feel like number one.
thank you for listening for this one's for you. gracias for all the more than kisses of words you blew.

friends. you guys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. standing by me all the while. thanks for your words of guidance and of pure friendship. it really touched my heart. yes, the past month was one filled with many bumps and we trod past it hand-in-hand. we're closer together now. it has been wonderful.

i think this entry is like a dedicated tribute to all my frens, cos you all deserve this, and beyond this i'll do my best to be the bestest fren possible to you all too. you guys really leave wonderful footprints in my life and you'll all continue to walk together.

friendship is something i have garnered and i'll hold true to me. i'll keep you all jewels in my prayers, asking for God to bless you. i faithfully thank Him for all that he has planned and done for me. thank you Lord, it was through you i have such wonderful friends, and i truly believe in You. i thank You Lord.

firstly, i wna THANK ALL WHO WISHED ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. in some way or another, really thanks loads! appreciate all of you! you guys made my day.

next will be my gift list. tho it aint long but its filled with love!
1). wallet-- pius, tiff, phil, cheryl. you guys really ah. got what i wanted, heh. thanks. i love the wallet! felt really nice when you guys gave it to me.

2). card-- lu ling. hey partner! really touched tht you wrote the card for me! wow. we are great great wonderful friends! ah, you rock! awesome partner. :)

3). soft toy-- cais and huis. YOU GALS ROCK AND PEBBLES AND SAND! oh man, macs really was wonderful. it seems so fated eh, haha. dun worry, we'll have a long journey ahead! we'll be the bestest of friends cos you rock and i rock!

4). card-- 28th student council. young men and women! im really touched when you guys sang for me and gave me the card. wow. its really great for me to know tht i have such a huge group of friends with me!

5). 'voodoo' doll-- scott, yuxiang, errol and hariz. the true hunks of NYJC! wow. haha. really hounoured, the gift was not only like DAMN meaningful, it was oso DAMN like what you guys wld do lar. really nice, brings back wonderful memories. LIKE DOG AH. haha. you guys rule.

YOUR GIFT! its really the most touching present i've ever received. dar, it was really sweet of you. really dun knw what to say, only tht I LOVE YOU. the gift came frm the heart and it moved me to tears. ill try my best to move you to tears ok? i LOVE you so so so much!

theres been so so much development in my school life lar. councils getting into full swing. im PRO (public relations) in exco. heh, a wild job for this weirdo like me. 28th, you guys really rock. can feel tht we're bonding well tog. and thts great! 93 gang rocks too! schools been fun these few days, missed my class. and im still STILL slping in lectures! i try hard not to. haha.

today seems to be my only and RARE slack night at home. been staying out real late these few days. in school doing all the commendation rehearsals. yeah. tmrws college day! we get into action for the first time! excited!

ok, anw, really happy for all that is happening ard me. really thank God for all that he has given me during this period of time. yeah. and of cos, i love all my friends out there! life rocks MORE with you ppl in my life.

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

this week was the test week lar. dun tink its going to be well done but at least its over. shall start studying soon. den had a tiring time preparing for my council campaign, had posters put up here and there with my great partner lu ling! had much fun throughout the whole process. den made my speech on fri, not very sure of it lar. bt shall pray and wait for tuesday to come! hope for good news. cheered for SA hockey like mad, tho we lost but feel more bonded to saints still.

today went out for supposed class outing. but only tiff and pius came. we still had a fantastic time together! met SO many ppl along the way, too long a list to say lar. bt its so fun! watched star wars, the effects are nice. tmrw gna town with 4-11! gna be super fun. really missed those great guys loads. hope everything goes well!

the june hols are coming. i hope i wld be able to go for LTC, which means im in council! haha. den oso must start studying too! will make time for my dar piggy too! i wld seriously miss her bad while shes in italy.

1). to piggy: oink! recover soon. rest well ok? i miss you so, every moment in my mind belongs to you.

today was like a real fun day. went to sch den had super long assembly, den like had civics which was kinda taken up by other stuff. aft tht was SUPER lame and irritating chem lecture lar. so long somemore. den we had break agn! fri rocks for the slack me. den final peroid was project work where i fell asleep even tho mrs wong (econs tutor) was just beside me. bt guess what? she was sleeping too! haha. anw, it ended abit early. so i went ard. tried to rot in sch bt dint! so i decided to leave early to NY lar. luckily i did cos once i reached the bustop, it rained! ok. den i made my lonely way there. met yuxiang at the gate. met SO many ppl and really felt nice to go back once in a while. saw raymond and boss doing their biz club stuff. great guys, miss them. den sunshine, jiajun, you loo and siam in the lib. rotted there for awhile den went off with jiajun to tour the sch. and i realised tht i wasnt the only one crashing. haha. talked alot to many many ppl along the way. den aft rotting ahwile more, we (jiajun, eeling, bern. sunshine + me) went to serangoon to meet cindy mama for dinner! went to athira to eat prata! haha. roy and see fei met us there oso. hariz came ltr. we ate and did alot and ALOT of catching up. learnt the new hand motion! (thanks eelings! you are great!) den we went to play bball! met josh there oso. haha. was real fun while the guys played and the girls danced at the side. nice scene eh? like small kids like tht. tho i injured my toe its ok! cos meeting up and having fun with you guys was really one of the best things tht happened this week.

im home now and the weekends here! im gna use my time fruitfully, do my exercises! haha. happy tht i lost weight! ok, being idoitic here. ppl! take care and have fun!

anw, had dim sum lunch to kinda celebrate my mums bday which was yesterday! i bought her a card and we got her a cake! haha. simple but nice right? ok. aft tht i went to macs with tse to study! guess what?! today was like the REUNION! MACS GANG we ROCK and ROCK and ROCK! haha.

Honourary Members:
Gordon.
Tse Wei.
Baldwin.
Daryl.
Jacob.
Andrew.
Cais.
Huis.
Eel.
Pam.
Rong.
Mok.
Xin Nie.
Yans.

YOU GUYS ROCK!! shall study there more often. really it has been great studying with you ppl! haha.

just finished researching on how to make PAPER PLANES! im not mad. and its not cos i have a bad childhood. its because of some weird science thing in SA. have aeroplane flying competition. oh my. haha.

shall end off here eh. take cares evryone!

lets talk about today! haha. went to SA in a slightly moody way. feeling tired but cldnt sleep on the journey! so frustrating! oh! theres smthg i must say.
to bern and darling: rem Gillman Flyover? oh mann. i laugh to myself evrytime i pass it evryday!!
anw, its like went to school. den had like lectures and lectures. blah. dint really get into the topics. gna study tmrw anw. den was like during maths our so-called "best class" found out tht we were like the best in slacking! making noise and not really grasping the knowledge. bt we ARE gna start to study now!
aft maths we went Harbourfront for lunch as a class! so cool huh. laughed like MAD people along the way with nigel, kelvin and andrew. you guys rock! den most of us to play pool at Meridien aft. was really eventful lar. den we went back to school for Life concert! it was great in a spiritual sense. cld really feel being engulfed in the comfort of the Holy Spirit. went to eat at IKEA with hong jiun(bro, you rock), den like the girls oso. (im being biased here)

finally home now. gna rest well for tmrw! gna study tmrw and oso swim! must tell myself to do tht. to evryone, stay happy!

anw, i went back to NY to see my great pals there. you guys rock like mad. im gna miss you all real bad. take lots of care and keep in touch!

rushed back to SA with darling sunshine and hyper bern. intro-ed them to josephine(panda). pandas v cute! she says bern is too. haha. dar and bern went crazy on the bus lar. at least nw panda knws why im so lame and all. got my SA uniform aft changing a couple of times. bt its rocks! im so proud of it!

went town aft. had dinner at NYDC with dar and bern. alyy came along. den ping-pong polly came too. haha. went ard town really high with them! was like crazy-ing with bern. so SO fun. met johnny and yan hao and you loo at lido. crapped ard there den went home late.

im gna end here nw, next wk its gna be the start of my studying life. must start to revise. get ready to become a normal student agn. hope to plan evryting out soon. evryone have fun and take care!

Today is Our First Month Anniversary!

met dotter at dohby early to prepare a choco feast-in-a-box for you. haha. den we walked from dohby to cine to lido with you loo oso. aiyo. watched ms congeniality at lido. was super cold in the cinema!

you and i went to changi airport. was really a great journey there? being lame and all lar. after my dinner with popeye, we went to the viewing mall. really. i felt a surreal sense of nirvana during tht time. its like just drowning in those moments seemed so sinful yet i cherish them so. guessed we cleared the air and our first month anniversary ended off real well. china airlines plane has 47 windows and 4 doors. hope you enjoyed it as much as i did.

anw, we were in for a suprise ltr whn we found out tht the pair of bern and you loo had been trailing us all the time! ahh. stalkers! nvm lar. it was fun though. haha. gna miss you guys so much. might as well let you two play ard more. right bern? hitting me the whole day lor. haha.

shall end here. hmm. hope evryting goes well for evryone during this Easter season. take care always. see you ard!

everyone enjoy the hols! must rest oso ok? haha.

im ending here. take care evryone! smile more.

friday:
i crashed vj! met johnny at j8 at 8plus. had macs again! den we took 13 to vjc! it was super long journey. kinda tried to sleep. had a short nap though. when we reached, the place seemed to be damn quiet. bt it was lesson lar. nigel was SO smart to pon his lesson at the right time. haha. we met him den he took us ard to see see. vj wnt impress on first sight. bt aft awhile it wld look real nice. went to get appeal forms and den nigel treated me to ice-cream and drink! so good. talked to a kind teacher aobut going to vj den me and johhny left for serangoon. took nel there.

met my ct and sunshine at serangoon central. they were at soya bean store. haha. talked to you loo awhile den we took off to bishan! bought stuff at ntuc and den went home! to prepare fot bbq. some watched table-tennis den played it after. sunshine, bern and me went to j8 to buy ice-cream and fetch the others there. plated awhile in the pool before getting scolded. we began the fun part! the bbq. many of us rushed here and there to get stuff. haha. thanks evryone for helping! the bbq was great! though i mainly ate sausages and other cooked stuff, hope evryone had fun! at night we all madly jumped into the pool. had a great time. though i got cramps. haha. played dare or dare for awhile. den packed up the area. we chatted awhile at poolside den left. i went up home and got beauty sleep! with a bright sun shining all the time on my mind.

saturday:
went for HC talentime. hum and seng! you guys rock. no matter what. had a fun time joking ard with the people. let me name all of you cos you all are great pals! from the seating, boss, jianwei, you loo, daryl(hock), lionel, johnny, kah hoe, daryl(niu), brian(gay), reuben, susu, na-man, kaiyin, chew, adam. haha. we all had such a fantastic laugh! hope we get more chances to meet up and enjoy like this! cat high will forever remain a part of me, esp whn i got such a great bunch of pals.

okok. today i finally submitted my jae. vj's my first choice. hopefully ill get in! pray for me! studied at macs just nw, and prepared something. secret! anw, evryone take care and be cheerful! all the best! and vj, welcome me!

wednesday:
went out early in the mrng to j8 to catch constantine with johnny, you loo and susu. was nice lar, nt as lousy as it was said to be. the boogeyman trailer spooked me out lar. even though its just the trailer. after the movie i went off to dohby to meet sunshine, cindy mummy and bern. while the three of them went back to cat high to help you loo appeal. i reached dohby super early lar. decided to go walk and rot ard PS. haha. bought green tea for sunshine and den waited for them to come out from the nel train.
after tht we went to Carrefour to begin our mega shopping spree for bbq on friday! tmrw acc. cindy was like super lame all the time! bern got her present for you loo. we kept buying and buying like theres no end. we left with like huge sacks of harvest from Carrefour. haha. we left for my house to marinate the chicken wings! when we got to my hse, it was like washing the potatoes and chicken wings. we realised tht we dint have to tray tingy for marinating. so we went to thomson plaza to get it! cindy was like hooked to playing the swing at my playground. took awhile to leave. haha. we had a great time marinating the chicken with coke and seasame. like drowning the chickens, letting them swim! stuffed them all into the fridge and went to j8. i left them after buying lollipops for.. went to cut my hair aft tht. at amk.
you were in a lousy mood, so i wasnt very much "happy" myself oso lar. went to sleep early.

today:
went to school. you loo dint came again! wah lau. was qte ok lar. the whole mainly like normal lar. ponned phy lecture. den had a blast at GP tutorial. was qte tired the whole time. slept at SL during break. while sunshine did her revision. went for trng at bishan. trying to work off some of the stress tht i have been feeling today. really dint have much mood at all, cld be because of the rain. hope its gna be a FANTASTIC SUNNY DAY tmrw! coz its bbq at my house! anw, i bought some alcohol( barccadis and vodka) and beers for tmrw. haha. had dinner near j8, the seafood pasta at the coffee shop in the carpark is good.

tues:
went out with sunshine today! met her at amk central aft training and pool. we went to the arcade and played like mad! haha. tried out a lot of new games. we went to have fish and chips/ chicken chop at the hawkers nearby! was simple bt nice. went to play alot of PHOTOHUNT! haha. a game im gna get addicted to soon. was so much fun! aft tht we went heartland mall. had ice-cream tog den i sent her to the bus-stop den went off for tution! yeah.

ill write about today another ok? wow. kinda alot. bt i caught constantine(finally!) with johnny, you loo and jiayi. was nice bt super cold. haha.

ending off here! smile evryone!

PS:
1). sunshine, cheer up ok? smile! ill be here to go through all your downs with you. let me be there when you need me. ilu.

--day two-- saturday (26/2/05)
a day to remember! today we had like our CT outing in town. we met at 12 to watch "White Noise" at lido. (skips some shopping, meeting of cindy) we went into the cinema after buying popcorn. i sat beside qings and lent her my jacket. so happy and nervous! wanted to ask her to be go together during the movie. bt i myself was so damn freaked out lar! was holding her hand during the movie. held it so tight tht she felt numb, so silly lar! anw, aft it ended the whole grp of us went toilet tog. dne cindy acc followed me into the gents. oh my!
aft the show we waited outside lido for toby and wee keat to come. den i asked qings to go down to the supermarket to buy a drink with me. at the cashier, after MUCH hesitation once again, i asked her to be together. this time i tried real REAL hard to say it out clearly. she dint say anyting. so i guessed it was awk and changed the topic to smting lame again! thts me. we went back up den after awhile bern came over and told me the good news! mann, it totally made my day + week!

we went to play pool aft. dne went to eat at nydc. haha. tried to pull the two ppl together lar. anw, aft tht we shopped ard heeren for super long. den we left for taka. you loo went off to paragon to look for daryl and the rest. qings bought ice-cream at venezia den we left for orchard mrt! took the train to dohby den NEL. nt my usual way home. its a new way! den dropped at serangoon with qings. took 103 with her all the way home. it was one of the best bus rides i've ever had. even though i dint knw where it was heading! dropped qing at her hse bus stop, den i crossed the road. cldnt take my eyes off her as she moved further and further away into the distance. by the time i crossed the road. i was alr missing her. was so so happy tht she acc msged me to msg her once i got home! bt i accidentally deleted it. aww.
i met alan hong on the bus. haha. must be fate. talked alot to him. hes got a story to tell oso. nice guy, he took the bus with me all the way home. received bern's call along the way to j8. so like cldnt talk much to him. bt we took 410 home and it was nice to chat with an old fren aft so long and so much.
finally reached home and my dad wasnt angry. so glad! took like ard an hour to finally get this typed out. talking to so many ppl! and my sunshine whom i dun mind talking to her forever. shall end here. so happy tht we are together!

im gna end off here. must wake ltr to watch match! ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! haha. take cares evryone! smiles.

Monday: Valentine's Day!
this is like one of the most fun v-days ive had in my life. guys dun usually celebrate it much in cat high. ok, so i came to school with like a huge bag of pressies. and i really hope the everyone liked their presents! haha. i wna thank people who gave me! you're so sweet! haha.
frm ct:
bern-beachball. qing-candy stick
cindy-CD. su-xian, momo, hensley- test-tube thingy.

frm pals: johnny - finger puppet.
huis- an unbelievably nice glass bottle.
bung! - uncle tobys chews
sister jasmine - cookies
eeling - cookies
see fei - red heart and choc

a HUGE thanks to everyone who remembered me on vday! ilu! haha. really appreciate it.

Thursday: trip to escape theme park!
woohoo! haha. really enjoyed the whole time with my CT at escape. we totally let lose and enjoyed oursleves to the max! haha. real proud of being in 6C! though we dint really complete the worksheet tht day we wld get it done. eventually. after tht we went out tog to town in our class shirt! went to cine arcade to relieve our childhood. bt it was real fun!

Friday:
school ended early without lessons. our class went out to nearby to have lunch tog. so united right? we rock. haha. aft tht we left for bishan! destination my house! we played mahjong for awhile, wasnt really serious. we watched "Bruce Almighty" haha. bern had to leave early so qing and cindy sent her off. we all had instant noodles! tht was my dinner eventually, the rest all had great meals watiting for them elsewhere.

Saturday:
woke up darn early to go to sentosa for training! mann, the idoit ali was late for half-an-hour. so like we had abit of extended training. bt it was fun! like the sun was so hot den we did our stuff in front of everybody! haha. its not sacarstic, it was enjoyable. we had a game of frisbee aft trng with the andersonics(cool name huh) den i went to shower and left for SAJC!
SAJC totally rocks! im qte sure tht its gna be a rocking world there! haha. the people look reall good there and the place seems damn fun! without most of the cheena crapp. haha. met up with my bro gao li there and hong jiun as well! miss those great guys real much. also met my great pal elson there with nigel and kenny! wah. was really going crazy esp with elson, scolding each other like mad! cld tell we both really missed the times when we cld tease each other like mad in front of everyone! haha. we all left for cat high after tht! woo! CAT HIGH ROCKS MY SOCKS! we went there for ycs music fest, left after like going ard enjoying the aircon and the place in the auditorium. so so much memories brought back. i was dman high! haha. met chris there oso. with eunice, her fren. hope you all had a great time there!

i am almost done, haha. real long entry. well, i just wna say tht i really appreciate all my friends ard me. yupp. thanks for everyting. take cares!

ok. its the new year and i had my reunion dinner with my dad and bro at home! guess what we had! we had PIZZA! woohoo! haha. was really great lar. just for a change.
anw, i went towning with my CT! acc only yiqing(aunty), bern(choc), cindy(ke-na dy), andrew(uloo), toby(spidey) and wee keat! haha. we ate pasta at PS, den walked the entire way to heeren. we crapped ALOT along the way, had so much fun. we shopped alot at heeren! qing bought this pink hairband for me, thanks! cindy bought her wristbands and bag. bern bought her skirt! me and you loo hesitated for damn long before we eventually got our flesh imp shirts! haha. we rock. den we walked to spidey's den after tht. played cards and ps at his hse, was reall funny as well! haha.
ok, heres the nice part(s) about shopping. i met cartel! haha. hey pam! so nice to see you tht day! we meet AGAIN! mok! you looked so dead with huis. cheer up! haha. or else your childhood wld end up bad! and i met the cutest bung in my life! wahh! im infatuated with you! i saw her with andrew while we were outside heeren at the atm. shes reall tall, so she walked past and woah! she took my breath away! den i saw smthng, she had on the same terminator dunks as me! which was like bought in HK? oh my! haha.

sat:
i woke early to go for mac run. so proud of myself! i did push-ups as well, part of trng with coach. haha. yeah. den after tht i went for tution! met ming at kovan first, went macs nearby to kinda do some revision. haha. tution was kinda fast but really i learnt. haha.
i met pop once again to go to her church. haha. we ate like old chang kee tog. haha. we seem to eat when we meet? haha. den i went to her church. we took pics tog. den pam suddenly came and she was so suprised! haha. we chatted and took pics! haha. we sat tog for service yeah. the church is real nice. the service was great and really touched my spritual side once more. ok, after that went to drink with pam at grapevine. we chatted for qte long, with clement disturbing us for the windows inside. haha.

sun:
today i woke early! haha. i went to church with a renewed sense of purpose. haha. thanks to the great service last night. life is all about walking with God. praising him, glorifying his greatness. yeah! i went to cut my hair aft lunch. i think it looks kinda bung now! haha. (pam, rem i said i liked bung hair?) now its mine! haha. ok, den i went to macs! it was like a cat high thing there! royston, tse, jingjie, spencer, daryl, and even reuben went! haha. CATHOLIC HIGH ROCKS!! ok, cais was there as well. yeah. i completed qte abit of work there, so proud of myslef! im learning the new stuff kinda fast! haha, shant get too over my head.

today had a macritchie 3.2km run. was quite ok, pushed hard along the way, and i know there is space for more improvement.
den here is the fun part! i met mok at dohby ghuat. im real sorry for being so late, sorry! met pam and sherman at paradiz to play pool. had fun like meeting them and just playing. haha. we left aft like 3 hours to go cine! was real lame and all along the way. met huis and lirong at cine for dinner. pam left early lar, so sad. cldnt watch electrico! haha, they rock!
after dinner, me, huis and mok went to walk-walk. talked and chatted around, yeah, i was enjoying it though we were walking aimlessly most of the time. coz i really miss all my friends!

i really miss my friends! shall put up a 'baldwin misses you' list here!

GUYS:
tse wei
gordon
trevor
royston
dominic tan(in denmark)

Females:
christine pop!
wan jin
anne
mok. pam.
seow jiali

we spent the night outside ritz carlton, at marina square with trevor, bush, qianxiang, jiaming and lorraine. had some drinks. i had one that was so nice, had chocolate and marshmallow and all. haha. ok, den me, tse and ming had a great heart-to-heart talk till about 6. when i took a short nap. we went off ard like 6 plus to take train. was so tired!

ok, the last two days i have just been going out. yesterday went out to PS with my POP chris. she went to catch ocean's 12 there. so we went shopping together with her friends eunice and the 'blur and fun' paul. went like from PS to wisma. just looking at gal stuff! oh my, i think its really the first times i went into a few shops lar. enjoyed myself. ( chris, i wasnt really bored yeah?) yup. den had to leave early coz my dad wanted my home early. i bought gifts for tse, gordon and yan san along the way at PS.

today, i went out to watch "World Without Thieves" with my dear tre and christopher. ok. this movie really really really really really has a BIG problem! maybe more than that. firstly, its near impossible to see the fighting scenes and the end leaves a few loopholes! the worst part is that my idol ANDY LAU DIES! that sucks! ok. after that i went to far east to have dinner with them. met pam there. we didnt know we were in the same shop until i like looked at her. haha. hello pam!

den we walked ard. shopping for huey's present. chris wanted to get new shoes so we went to wisma, beetle bug. tre and i decided to go guy-watching. really saw a couple of very cute guys and one very sexy one! haha. really feel so gay now. tre and i were like holding hands sometimes along the way. people were like staring? hey! whats wrong with being close when you are guys? don't girls gold hands all the time? ok, den i had to rush home. tre went off to dinner at east coast! so good. i took the train with chris.

now im home! im so happy that i got to have so much fun with my friends. i know that im changing as a person now. i can feel it. it may be real weird but really, i would try my best to make the right choices.

that was my spritual side coming out. haha. oh my, its Christmas! i love festivals. coz its time for meeting up and having fun! ok. let me tell about my christmas day!
i met tse wei in the aftnoon, went j8 to take train to orchard to meet gordon. gordon was like buying his gift for his dear eel, den tse went to get a card. here is a nice part of my day. i decided that i shop ard as well. i realised that there was a happy house section there. i remembered that i had to get sihui's present. i saw it at j8, but i thought they would have it here as well. guess what? they didnt. so i asked where they would have it in town. the woman asked me to go paragon. ok, so i went there with tse while gordon went to find his dear at PS. its rather hot lar, den when we entered paragon. it was like rather easy to find. they had this huge ( i think 1m tall) precious moments figurine at the counter. its so nice! should get the pair for my wedding. den i went inside, it was sold out there as well! im such a person with superb taste, i had to get this pouch that is seemingly sold out everywhere! ( its pink with a very feminine design on it, she bought a wallet with that design, said that she wanted the pencil case as well, so there i went looking for it.) so i asked again where would they have that, they sent me running back to wisma once more! ok, my great bro tse went back there with me. finally we found it there, it was the VERY LAST piece! feel so lucky. -beams brightly! we got it wrapped and den went off.

we left for PS, yup. went there, sat at BK with yan san. (skipping some unpleasant stuff in between) we left for paradiz to play pool, haha. den sat at the foodcourt there to watch hongkong serial on vcd. i went off with gordon and his dear to take train to changi. spent the night there aft mass, was like talking alot and watched two movies. the super duper lame KUNG POW, and the rather lame Seed OF Chucky. it was really more like being fed lame-ness throughout the night lar. haha. yup, den in the morning kind kelly gave me a lift to hougang where i took one of the weirdest bus trips in my life. i sat on the bus seat, den i read one of the christmas cards, den i went to sleep. i really dozed off seriously until the first time i tink i was at some town market, den i slept again. soon i realised i was in bishan alr. i said to myself, "ok, i have to get off soon" den i fell asleep again! woke up again at like just reaching. phew. haha, den changed bus at the interchange and home-sweet-home!

today, i slept in till 11am! den had brunch. aft that took an hour long tram ride to my cousin's place to play mahjong! time flies. haha, den had to make my way with my dad and bro to dinner with my grandma! ate alot, the food was good, (duh, its hongkong). was like playing around with my younger cousin, he's so adorable! my other cousins are also cute lar. my uncle gave me this watch as a present, it was in a box. a jade green box. i opened it, den there was a piece of silkish cloth protecting the actual gem. i slowly yet eagerly unwrapped it, anticipating. the sight that was revealed to me was totally unbelievable. it was a silver Rolex watch, brand new. i was really shocked at such a gift. i was at a loss of words, i went back to sit with my grandma. she told me that the watch was worth like $40K hongkong. i was shocked. it was a very precious gift, coz maybe most of you do not know. my uncle is in a very poor condition, coz of smoking. thts why i wld nv smoke. i really wanted to cry, i had been living with him since i was young. now that he is in this state, he could still give me such a precious gift. my grandma said tht it was actually for himself, bt now he has given it to me. i really am touched. i cant ask for more, even now he could still care for me. oh my. i love my uncle.

i went back to my aunt's place by bus. den she showed me some photos that my dad took in China. den she like told me tht she was talking to my cousin awhile ago, she said tht my cousin and herself think tht i got an attitude prob. it was like the second time during this trip she mentioned tht to me, once before i left for China. presently now shes reprimanding me again. i dun mind, but its been like tht. she keeps saying my bro is better and all. i dun knw. really? i still am in a state of thinking. i dun knw if i should be angry or anything. think i sld go do some self reflection. sometimes, i feel misunderstood. but i tink its about time to think tht the problem may lie with me. she also mentioned that her friend feels that my bro is more amicable than me coz he talks more and is able to have fun. my thoughts are, why should i open up so easily to everyone? how can you expect me to be friendly to everyone? i admit, i do have a slight split personality when im with my family. i do not speak as much when i am with my friends. yes, this could be a problem. i really think i should get myself into some thinking mood, but when i am around my family, its rather negative.

i shall not dwell too deep into my thoughts, esp since i have not thought things out yet. i think i have solved a huge dilemna in my life, i am happy and relieved! haha. ok, i would be back soon my friends! take lotsa care! miss you all!

this part is for the few who know. yar. today, i kept thinking of her again. though i had been, bt today i kept thinking i saw her along the streets. i see the couples tht go ard, i feel washed out. i knw its hard, i wna try. it could be the fantasy i have been chasing. i really miss the times i got to see her by my side. i would know tht she wld be safe and oso there.im sorry, i knw wad you feel. i am willing to try. you did not push me away, yet i know a month's feelings would be hard to go against two years'. i want to know why something so delightful chose to go against nature's will. i want to know all about you. i want to hold you in my heart. i want to be with you. i want all tht you are. i want you.